Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
