the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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