he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
