Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Two words: blizzard sex
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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