I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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