she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
