i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
