I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
