If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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