When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
