Dual....:-)
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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