I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
