Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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