My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
