i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
