Sry I called you an 8
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
