when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
