like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
