Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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