I didn't shave. On purpose
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
