the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just need some of your time and all of your body.