His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.