so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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