how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
