I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
