Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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