Moan for me like Helen Keller
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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