You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
