you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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