Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
