So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
