apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
