i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
