Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
