dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
