sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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