Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sober January is a disaster.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
