If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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