Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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