genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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