I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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