It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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