Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
