I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
