i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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