I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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