I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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