I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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