When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
