when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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