The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
