Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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