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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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