well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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