We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
