I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
