This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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