i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
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Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you had me at cake vodka
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
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Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack