I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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