Umm I'm too high to move.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
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imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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